Nightmare of a Teacher
I grew up in a completely Asian country, and went to a completely Asian elementary and middle school. Here teachers reign, and I remember myself being pretty arrogant in kindergarten, but elementary school completely crushed my self esteem. I became this quiet girl of few words, and people/classmates would say they know my name but don’t know what my voice is like. Eventually, an illusioned inferiority complex and impostor syndrome pluck my roots out of the soil, and there they stay floated, turning me into an ever-wavering “fraud”.
It just so happened that my middle school homeroom teacher was a being of a completely different channel. Instead of motivating her students, she’d use verbal force. It was pretty acceptable at that time, though some people would insist that it should be considered verbal abuse. Here are some of the words she’d use on a daily basis:
I remember hating my chinese name because she would call my name at least once a week, and it wasn’t a good thing. On better days it would just result in some scolding, but most of the time I’d get caned on my palm. Sometimes I get a twist to my ear. Some will be horrified at such a teacher, but I’ve grown to be indifferent, and to expect that I will be called out every week.
This teacher claimed that the reason she does these things was because she cared about us and our grades. I didn’t buy it that time, because I disliked her with the fervor of a thousand suns. Funny I used to wish she’d be absent, which she rarely was, and that it takes a thousand years for her to walk one step. I’d pray about it too. LOL. Her presence in my past was the main factor causing my timidness.
How Insecurities are Ruining Your Life and How to Crush It!
I grew to become an insecure person, lost and sensitive, taking everything personally. How it feels to feel inferior:
An inferiority complex is not the same as confidently accepting that others have the edge on you in some areas. True destructive feelings of inferiority happen even when we might (objectively) be better than others but feel somehow worse. For example, I worked with a man who got the best degree in his class at Cambridge University, yet still felt academically inferior to his fellow students.
But you know what? There will always be people better than you, but that doesn’t mean you can submit to your own incompetence and fling the excuse “I won’t surpass them anyway” around. Everyone’s got to suck at it to make it. I have a motto: “I always start from the bottom, but I never stay at the bottom!”
Just because someone has more experience than you doesn’t mean they’re better than you as a person, or their lives are worth more than yours. If you start to degrade yourself, it will show, and it will reflect on how people treat you.
I get that you have someone you really admire and look up to, say, your martial arts instructor. You acknowledge that they’re better than you, and that makes you feel inferior. You believe your ideas are worthless and your questions are stupid. It certainly doesn't help if your instructor constantly brags about how fast he catches up to new skills. BUT THE THING IS: THEY MAY BE YOUR INSTRUCTOR/COACH/TEACHER/PARENT/FRIEND, BUT YOU'RE STILL YOUR OWN PERSON! You don’t have to submit your life and decisions to another human. In fact, any good teacher/respectable person will not intend to dictate your life, so a lot of your negative thoughts have more to do with overthinking and fear than reality. Don't beat yourself up for letting your mouth slip. What's done is done. The world is filled with love and nobody's perfect, so just be the imperfect being you are--we all are. Life will be easier that way!
I'M HERE TO LISTEN!
ACCEPT YOURSELF as you are right now, so that you can strive to be better tomorrow! If you have any questions or thoughts, I’ll always be waiting in front of my mailbox. I may not be the best psychiatrist in the world, but I’m not here to guide you anyway. I’m here to connect and empathize with as a person with a similar experience, so don’t hesitate to share your experience with me—us.
In fact, this phase of low self esteem might even be good for you! Because you'll be able to burn that wall down and bounce back ten times stronger and share your own story with the world! Obstacles exist to be conquered.